Dread

No, no, no. Not again. This can’t be happening.

I stared at the tissue paper, at that thing I’ve been dreading, cold terror rising up from my belly.

A spot of brown.

Right as my husband returned from a week-long business trip. I had spent my week exuberantly upbeat, and had even finally weaned myself from test-taking. I was confident – no spotting, no cramping, no bad signs. I couldn’t wait to throw my arms around him and celebrate our joy.

And there it was, casually, sickeningly, devilishly  – that unmistakable spot.

I greeted my husband home ten minutes later with panic in my eyes. He held me, we held each other, in fear.

I was up all night in bed, unable to sleep, waiting for the cramping. Just waiting for the miscarriage to kick in. But I didn’t feel much. Some little aches and pains here and there, in odd places, but nothing like the torso-clenching cramps of my earlier losses.

Today there has been no more spotting. I called my RE who seemed nonplussed.

“That’s quite common at six weeks. Your placenta is growing, things are changing, it’s nothing to worry about.”

I requested to move my ultrasound from next Monday (Nov 30) to this Wed  (Nov 25). I had planned to announce to my family at Thanksgiving and felt that I needed the reassurance of a visible sac, and (oh please, please) maybe even a heartbeat.

Meanwhile today I had my first bout of nausea, right on schedule, at six weeks exactly. I am sipping ginger ale as I type. I can only take this as a positive sign.

I really hope the spotting was caused by irritation from the progesterone, or some normal process, but I can’t help feeling paranoid and terrified. I take solace in the fact that none of my other miscarriages started with blood – they started with cramping, and lightening lines, followed by blood. Also, I have never ever spotted on progesterone – that has always happened after I stopped the suppositories.

So, I’m hoping this is something different.

I’m clinging to that hope. And dreading Wednesday.

 

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6 thoughts on “Dread

  1. I’m so sorry about the blood. It’s absolutely terrifying. The fact that it is brown (meaning old blood) and that you have nausea make me hopeful for you. Has your RE done any beta hCG since your positive? Though not as great as ultrasound, it’s another point of data that can tell you how this pregnancy is progressing.

    Keeping you in my thoughts for Wednesday.

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    • I did betas early on. I went from 44 –> 280 –> 560. The 560 was at 18 dpo. Now I am 29 dpo. Still no more spotting two days after that first spot so I’m trying to stay hopeful. I am crazy paranoid about every tug and ache though.

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  2. Here’s one praying for you on the other side of Atlantic ocean. I have very similar story. Big AMH, no cysts, ovulate on my own and get preagnant easily but miscarry when beta is around 500. I also have the same treatment, clomid. It is perfectly normal to have spotting while placenta is invading uterine lining and the nausea is great sign.
    I am sure everything is fine. Good luck!!

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  3. I had some spotting around six weeks with two of my three successful pregnancies. I know it’s scary, but there’s a very good chance it’s nothing. So glad you’re going in earlier for reassurance – and the nausea is a great sign!

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