No, no, no. Not again. This can’t be happening.
I stared at the tissue paper, at that thing I’ve been dreading, cold terror rising up from my belly.
A spot of brown.
Right as my husband returned from a week-long business trip. I had spent my week exuberantly upbeat, and had even finally weaned myself from test-taking. I was confident – no spotting, no cramping, no bad signs. I couldn’t wait to throw my arms around him and celebrate our joy.
And there it was, casually, sickeningly, devilishly – that unmistakable spot.
I greeted my husband home ten minutes later with panic in my eyes. He held me, we held each other, in fear.
I was up all night in bed, unable to sleep, waiting for the cramping. Just waiting for the miscarriage to kick in. But I didn’t feel much. Some little aches and pains here and there, in odd places, but nothing like the torso-clenching cramps of my earlier losses.
Today there has been no more spotting. I called my RE who seemed nonplussed.
“That’s quite common at six weeks. Your placenta is growing, things are changing, it’s nothing to worry about.”
I requested to move my ultrasound from next Monday (Nov 30) to this Wed (Nov 25). I had planned to announce to my family at Thanksgiving and felt that I needed the reassurance of a visible sac, and (oh please, please) maybe even a heartbeat.
Meanwhile today I had my first bout of nausea, right on schedule, at six weeks exactly. I am sipping ginger ale as I type. I can only take this as a positive sign.
I really hope the spotting was caused by irritation from the progesterone, or some normal process, but I can’t help feeling paranoid and terrified. I take solace in the fact that none of my other miscarriages started with blood – they started with cramping, and lightening lines, followed by blood. Also, I have never ever spotted on progesterone – that has always happened after I stopped the suppositories.
So, I’m hoping this is something different.
I’m clinging to that hope. And dreading Wednesday.